Mpola mpola mpola mpola mpola mpola mpola (Slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly )

The weirdest thing happened! I googled “overwhelmed” and my picture came up with a weird post about how you might be aware of your personality and qualities but Peace Corps is going to force you to rethink everything you thought you knew and with perseverance, patience, passion fruit and laying on the mattress on your floor, you will relearn how to function.

Two weeks at site and first week of school finished. Ups and downs, let me tell you! School in Uganda begins very differently than school in America. The first day, about 10% of the pupils showed up and they spent the day cleaning the classrooms and the compound while the teachers stood around, speaking completely in luganda and watched. The following days the teachers began teaching but this is when I realized my school does not have enough teachers for the pupils. They invited me to teach but then I had to explain that peace corps has a separate program for me and I will not be teaching in a classroom. They smiled to hide their confusion and let me just observe and sit in an empty classroom feeling awkward about what to do with myself. My headmistress was very busy all week collecting school fees and enrolling children. I tried to catch her to ask if there was going to be a staff meeting or if she and I could meet to discuss my role and she would respond “not until after the transfers” then walk away.

What are transfers you ask? The Ugandan Ministry of Education waits until after the term has started to transfer staff members around the district. Any minute, any number of teachers could receive a piece of paper that says “hey, your entire life moves to here, tomorrow.” There are rumors about who will be transferred from my school- most likely the two male teachers that are my neighbors, have been at the school the longest, and are the most incredible teachers in the school. But nothing has been verified so everyone is holding their breath. The tension and anxiety is palpable but no one is talking about it. Emotions are not discussed in Uganda. Then not only are we probably losing the two best teachers but there is no concrete date when we will receive new teachers to replace them.

So my observations from this week? Things move slow. Very very slow. So that means everything in the future will move very slow. Much slower than I anticipated. I had planned to sprint to get my house set up decorated and organized. Didn’t happen. To get any furniture or paint for my house I have to travel 40 minutes and spend a lot of money. So what have I learned? I can be happy with having just a mattress in my living room to sit on! It is actually really calming! And old desks make great counter tops for a kitchen! All you really need is a jerry can for water and basin to bathe in. My bed is nice too! Uganda is making me slow down, and chill out. Whether I like it or not.

So back to site, I felt so uncomfortable walking into this school that did not have their basic needs for teachers met and saying “lets talk about literacy!” I felt so guilty having these teachers ask me to teach and me having to say no while the children sat in classrooms and stared at empty walls. We were trained in so many creative teaching techniques that all require resources like posters or markers. My school barely has chalk. I asked the deputy head teacher what she wanted for the school and she responded books, teachers, and money. I could raise money for all of those things. But would they fix this huge problem? No, it would be a band aid. I could go in teaching right away, but about when I leave in two years? Then the school will just become dependent on an unpaid volunteer that then leaves. And what about me leaving in two years? What is really going to get accomplished?

Okay, hello overthinking machine! Where the heck is the off switch? O yea, it’s coming home and watching Gilmore Girls and taking a nap. It’s acknowledging that I am living in a brand new country, adjusting to a completely new house, and a completely new job and a language I understand about 4%. It’s acknowledging that little things like bathing, going on a walk, saying hello to my neighbors, letting myself relax, are big accomplishments. It’s realizing that keeping myself busy and doing lots of little things so I distract myself and feel productive is not the same as taking care of myself. It’s realizing that I do not always have to be productive.

So back to how things move slow. Development, improvement, will move very slow. My project at my school will move very slow. And that is ok. There is no one saying I need to be accomplishing or implementing huge projects right now. And even if I was, I can almost count on the project failing. I know that right now, the important thing is to build the relationship with my school. To explain to the teachers why I am here. To advocate for a time to meet with the staff during lunch. To explain to the staff that I will have them over for tea once I have a table and chairs and not just a mattress. And it is ok. I am still a successful volunteer! Things will happen. They might be so little, but they will still be important and they will still happen. And this literacy stuff? Might actually help. Hopefully the students will improve, just a little, or at least just begin to have fun at school. Hopefully the teachers can learn new ways to teach that is actually easier and more affective. Hopefully all of that can continue after I leave.

So for now, I am slowing down. And I like it. I am amazed every day at how much I’m learning and adjusting in just this short time. I am making sure to take an hour or two every day to unwind that way I don’t overload the next day. I’m not distracting myself from the discomfort but instead sitting in it. Really feeling it. Letting it teach me what it means to be displaced. Then growing through that displacement, finding my place, finding my home, what an invaluable lesson and experience.

So to summarize the whirlwind of endless thoughts of this past week, I finally let go of the paralyzing fear that I’m going to be a bad volunteer. I also accepted the fact that things move really really really slow and that being productive is going to look very different in this country. I knew that I got overwhelmed easily but I’ve learned that I have to manage it much differently in this country. In the states, I would keep myself busy and do lots of productive things to distract myself. When I did that here, I ended up more overwhelmed because I didn’t give myself time to relax. Alaina told me the things I needed to hear- you don’t always have to be productive. I’m realizing that being productive at my school is not an option yet. So it is all coming together- things move slow so I have lots of time to relax and this wonderful chance for self-discovery. And while I still feel a little guilty about that, I’m managing that too. I’m letting the guilt remind me that I care and that since I care, I will be an amazing volunteer. I’m also reminding myself that more I learn and grow, the more effective I can be. I can find the way to best help my school and myself. And even if it is very little, any little help, any relationship built, are huge successes.