Ekyemisana!

Lunch!

I have been struggling to decide what to write my next blog post about. I don’t want to give a daily recount of my life so you can all think I’m so brave or strong for handwashing my clothes and pooping in a hole or post pictures of children so you all think I’m doing so wonderful and changing the lives of so many adorable African children. The reality, this school term has been weird. It has been a mix of having no clue what is going on and traveling to see friends so we can commiserate about having no clue what is going on. The term is ending this week so I resolved myself to the fact that this term is just about being present and observing. I took a great trip to see my host family over Easter and was reminded that friends and family are what make life worth living. So now I am getting a clue of whats going on and have lots of ideas for projects at my site but I can’t start those until the term starts again at the end of may. So now I want to share an honest part of my life but couldn’t decide what part. Then I remembered one thing that never fails me- food.

Lunch time- the weirdest, comforting, and my favorite time of the day. From the beginning of the school year, lunch has always looked about the same. The lunch “bell” rings at 1- or should I say a student hits the tire rim that is hanging on the tree with a stick at 1. The children slowly pour out of class as their lessons finish and run down to the soccer pitch to wrestle, run, laugh and munch on sugar cane. The teachers meander into an empty classroom that is the “staff room.” The cook brings in beans and most days posho- water and flour cooked into a loaf like form. Some days there are eggplants or sweet potatoes. On very special days matooke. But often, beans and posho and honestly, it makes my belly happy. Everyone is served in their specified bowls. Mine is small with a very pretty blue rim. About the third week of school is when I realized every teacher has a specific bowl. I figured it out after every teacher made sure to tell me. Then the teachers eat and talk in Luganda- for an hour straight. The first few times I was taken aback. Shouldn’t they be speaking English? Do they want me to participate? Are they speaking luganda to purposefully leave me out? Should I but in? Ask for translations? Should I just leave? Every once in a while a teacher would look at me and ask if I understood. I would smile and say no.  The teachers would laugh and continue. Oddly enough, lunch was never excruciating. I never dreaded going. In fact, I realized I started looking forward to it. I realized that every time during lunch I am given this amazing opportunity to be fully and completely immersed in Uganda. Sure, I am usually really uncomfortable and feel very out of place and I don’t have my computer or iPhone to hide behind. But I also get this completely raw and unique chance to watch as humans interact and what do I see? That a lunch in a classroom in Uganda looks very similar to the kitchen where the teachers ate at my school in Vermont. Everyone sits around, eating their food, listening to someone tell a story. They all have the fatigue that comes with amazing effort put into teaching all morning. They all looked relieved to have a moment to relax. There is complaining, yelling, laughter, commiserating, encouragement. Teachers share the avocado or tomatoes that they’ve brought and shake hands as they leave the room to prepare for the afternoon. Sure, in one room I understand the conversation much more than the other but it all seems pretty similar to me.

The coffee plants are blooming again!

Such a delicious smell!

coffee plant! 

So much better week. Started off a little anxiety ridden for unknown reasons. A simple culprit that I see is the time that I go to sleep. It isn’t even a matter of how much sleep I get, but if I’m in bed by 2230, I have a much better day the next day. Very interesting! In talking with my mom, we talked about the underlying subtle exhaustion that comes from even listening to a different language all day. I don’t even really notice until it’s nighttime and I fall asleep like a cat every night. I’m ok with that!

My other thoughts are that there will be good weeks and bad weeks and just to take them in stride. Here are some observations and activities that I think made this week better:

Things that helped:

• ·      So this is kind of sort of completely a white privilege website, but I really love their articles and find they promote a great sense of wellbeing. I stumbled on this article this week, exactly what I needed! 

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12627/4-steps-to-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think-of-you.html
So repeating the saying: “It’s none of my business what people think of me.” I’ve needed this mantra since I was about 4. It still feels weird to say to my self in terms of the Ugandans because I really want to help and want to build a good relationship with them but this mantra has been helping a little to manage my worry.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17606/how-to-be-more-resilient-when-life-disappoints-you.html
I want to explore resiliency more. I could grit my teeth through things in the states but here, I fear that if I grit my teeth I will grind them down and become bitter, jaded, hardened. I think resiliency is the antidote but it is something I know little about.

• ·      I rearranged my schedule to give myself time in the mornings to type up emails and documents and then I stay in school later, avoiding the dreaded afternoon angsty time.
• 
  
• ·      Reminding myself the importance of taking a break from site. My site is gorgeous but it gets claustrophobic. I live and work on the same campus. Going to town, eating a veggie burger and spending time as not the outsider alien is very crucial to my mental wellbeing. It reminds me that this experience is short and to not take anything too seriously. I also loved spending a few hours on my NHL app, Go Caps!

Things I’m proud of myself for:

• ·      Washing dishes, bed sheets, mopping my floors, and cleaning my latrine all with 5L of water (basically 5 nalgine bottles)
• ·      Cooking a phenomenal breakfast burrito
• Starting to take pictures 
• 
  

Pictures just do not do the beauty of this place justice! But here is the sunset over the papayrus swamp at my site

Things I’m excited for:

• ·      Setting up the library at my school. It is dusty and gross and will take a while but I think it will be very beneficial. This week, we threw away some history- exam papers dating back to the ’70s but they were moldy and eaten and we made room for the new! 
• ·      My site mate started a Girls In Action club at the college last year. I went to their meeting on Monday and got very excited to join the club and to possibly start one at the Primary School.
• ·      My friend Aran compiled a great list of books about social justice and diversity issues in Uganda. I am hoping my afternoons become reading time as I wait for things to cool off before I go running.

Things that still make me uncomfortable because I feel like I know nothing so I need to take a deep breathe and just do them:

·      Gardening and starting a compost pile

So it’s a roller coaster every day but things are moving forward! On Thursday this week it is National Drop Everything And Read, DEAR day! Alaina and I have created a program where the college kids are going to come to the primary school and read to the pupils so across the next two days I’m going to talk to each class and read a small story to them so I am very excited to be getting into the classes and helping to spread enthusiasm for reading.

Also! I am traveling this weekend to a friend’s site for a big birthday party! It is in the southwest of Uganda which is supposed to be gorgeous so I promise to take more pictures!

My new book shelf and ugandan closet!

And possibly the most exciting- The first time my clothes have been unpacked since November 9, 2014!!! Yea!!!

Squirmy wirmy or the case of the carnivorous ants

OK that is just a cute title to describe a phenomena that I am fascinated by! In America, I only ever saw ants attack human food. In Uganda, if I squish a bug and leave it on the floor, minutes later a swarm of ants is surrounding it and moving it! I had no idea ants were carnivorous!

So now to try to relate this to my life at the moment, I am feeling squirmy. While I have had many many many emotions the past two weeks I think I am still going to classify it as a honeymoon period. Everything was new and exciting. Going on runs and saying hi to people made me smile and I was still excited by how excited everyone was to see me. This week, not so much. I am having the “zoo animal” phenomena. I go to school and when I’m not observing classes or assessing children I sit in a classroom and read. The children have started sneaking out of class and poking their heads in the window saying my Uganda name over and over again. Sounds adorable, right? But not when they won’t go away and not when they are grabbing my hair through the window. Then I go home, and they poke their heads through the windows at my house. Then I go on a run and they follow me. I know, none of this is meant to be offensive or with bad intentions. I know they are just curious and very excited that I am here. I also can only barely imagine or empathize as to how strange I must seem to them. I was raised with the privileges of great schools with lots of textbooks teaching me about the different people of the world. I have parents who were very intentional about respecting people for their differences. These children are growing up in a much different environment. It astounds me that things can be so different on the same planet, but I guess that is the beauty right? At the moment, I can just barely wrap my head around it.

So back to the squirmy worms. On Tuesday, I was not nearly as calm about the attention and just wanted to hide under a rock, and that’s what I did. Came home and hid at my sight mates house and watched a movie. I’m not saying that was the right thing to do, but I did it. As I said, I feel yet another honeymoon is over and now I’m wanting to squirm and wiggle away from the discomfort. There are plenty of ways I could distract myself during my time here. I could spend all my time watching movies and TV shows. I could find someone and decide I am going to live my service for them, that my job is to help them. I could focus on things I know I will be successful at instead of trying things where I might fail. But I don’t want to do that. I want to live this service to the greatest extent. So it will be stinking uncomfortable but here we go.

I guess another thing I have to own up to is that even if I do distract myself as much as possible, there is still one thing I will not be able to ignore. Every minute, of every day, I am the outsider here. This is the first time in my life that I’ve been the outsider. This is the first time that I am the other. That what I consider normal behavior is seen as strange. And even if I change everything about the way I live my life and live it exactly as my Ugandan neighbors do, there will still be one big thing that makes me different and will always make me different. That thing is also the reason why I lived such a privileged life. My parents worked hard to give me this life, but our skin color is still a huge part of that equation. So how do I cope with that? I know I am having an invaluable experience learning what it feels like to be an outsider, but how do I use this discomfort to learn? To teach? To grow? I feel this will be two years of exploration about skin color. More thoughts to come.

So what does this mean for my service? I want to fit in, to belong, to find my place. Someone once told me that peace corps is about being displaced. Then someone else mentioned on facebook the other day that when you are displaced, you get the chance to not only find “a” path, but to find “your” path. I have spent my life letting the other people in my life help me define my path. I have loved living my life for other people. Now I am here and I am waiting for other people to help me define my path. If I keep up this waiting, I could be waiting for the entire two years of my service. It is time. I have to stop squirming away from the fear of failing and jump in. I feel I have been sitting in the shallow end of the pool waiting to adjust to the water temperature and now, even though it is nice and comfortable to sit in the shallow end, it’s time to swim to the deep end. I’m afraid that there are crocodiles in the deep end waiting to snap my toes and bring me down. I know that there will be nets and those annoying buoy rope things that will get in my way. But I have to risk the crocodiles and find a way to work through, around, and over top of the obstacles.

Going for a run in the village

It starts out my back door around 17:30 p.m. Greetings to my neighbors responded with “Are you going for exercise?” Why yes I am because white people are weird and because I’m still trying to lose the weight I gained form drinking all those margaritas last year. They thank me for my work. I smile and take off. Up a hill, get the heart rate going, exhale ferociously as I pass the college, which for now is empty. Catch my breath enough to yell out greetings and thank you’s to the people outside of their houses as I run through Kabukunge village. The children run out and I smile as they call my name, smile even bigger as they call me “singa” or auntie, and no longer call me mazungu. I reach the first fork and branch to the left and now I am alone. Heading east, the sun setting behind me, I run through the corn fields and stare up at the hills and think “Thank god this path exists.” I pass a few more small houses, say hello to those sitting outside then round a corner to the subtle uphill that lasts just a little too long. It is on this part that I wish things we’re just a little easier. Maybe flatter? Or maybe even steeper, but shorter? But no it continues and I breathe in more air so I have more to give. Breathe in more air, so I have more to give. Catch a wiff of a blooming coffee plant and remember that I had no idea coffee plants smell like 10,000 honesuckle plants squished into a mason jar. Magnificent. I see the end and I make myself go faster. I turn left and now I’m headed north. The path evens out. The sun is setting on my left. I pass two houses where the families no longer laugh at the absurdity but smile at the mazungu who runs by and gasps hello. Past one more house and then the spot where I make myself stop. The spot where it would be easier to pass right through, miss it, continue on and get this run over with. But the spot where I stop, look at the setting sun and the hills. Those hills. Don’t waste an ounce of this. Continue on. Down hill, paved road now. Into the trading center. Say hello to the duka ladies. Decide to cross the street instead of turning to go home. The road turns and now I’m running west. Into the sun. Up another annoying “gentle” incline. Why did I do this? Why did I continue on? Because I don’t want this to be over. There is more to be had. Turn to the left again and now heading south. Those hills again! Meet up with the road, down the hill to home. Up the hill to the campus. Sit on the hill to watch the sunset over the papyrus swamp. I’m a sucker for a good sunset.

Mpola mpola mpola mpola mpola mpola mpola (Slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly )

The weirdest thing happened! I googled “overwhelmed” and my picture came up with a weird post about how you might be aware of your personality and qualities but Peace Corps is going to force you to rethink everything you thought you knew and with perseverance, patience, passion fruit and laying on the mattress on your floor, you will relearn how to function.

Two weeks at site and first week of school finished. Ups and downs, let me tell you! School in Uganda begins very differently than school in America. The first day, about 10% of the pupils showed up and they spent the day cleaning the classrooms and the compound while the teachers stood around, speaking completely in luganda and watched. The following days the teachers began teaching but this is when I realized my school does not have enough teachers for the pupils. They invited me to teach but then I had to explain that peace corps has a separate program for me and I will not be teaching in a classroom. They smiled to hide their confusion and let me just observe and sit in an empty classroom feeling awkward about what to do with myself. My headmistress was very busy all week collecting school fees and enrolling children. I tried to catch her to ask if there was going to be a staff meeting or if she and I could meet to discuss my role and she would respond “not until after the transfers” then walk away.

What are transfers you ask? The Ugandan Ministry of Education waits until after the term has started to transfer staff members around the district. Any minute, any number of teachers could receive a piece of paper that says “hey, your entire life moves to here, tomorrow.” There are rumors about who will be transferred from my school- most likely the two male teachers that are my neighbors, have been at the school the longest, and are the most incredible teachers in the school. But nothing has been verified so everyone is holding their breath. The tension and anxiety is palpable but no one is talking about it. Emotions are not discussed in Uganda. Then not only are we probably losing the two best teachers but there is no concrete date when we will receive new teachers to replace them.

So my observations from this week? Things move slow. Very very slow. So that means everything in the future will move very slow. Much slower than I anticipated. I had planned to sprint to get my house set up decorated and organized. Didn’t happen. To get any furniture or paint for my house I have to travel 40 minutes and spend a lot of money. So what have I learned? I can be happy with having just a mattress in my living room to sit on! It is actually really calming! And old desks make great counter tops for a kitchen! All you really need is a jerry can for water and basin to bathe in. My bed is nice too! Uganda is making me slow down, and chill out. Whether I like it or not.

So back to site, I felt so uncomfortable walking into this school that did not have their basic needs for teachers met and saying “lets talk about literacy!” I felt so guilty having these teachers ask me to teach and me having to say no while the children sat in classrooms and stared at empty walls. We were trained in so many creative teaching techniques that all require resources like posters or markers. My school barely has chalk. I asked the deputy head teacher what she wanted for the school and she responded books, teachers, and money. I could raise money for all of those things. But would they fix this huge problem? No, it would be a band aid. I could go in teaching right away, but about when I leave in two years? Then the school will just become dependent on an unpaid volunteer that then leaves. And what about me leaving in two years? What is really going to get accomplished?

Okay, hello overthinking machine! Where the heck is the off switch? O yea, it’s coming home and watching Gilmore Girls and taking a nap. It’s acknowledging that I am living in a brand new country, adjusting to a completely new house, and a completely new job and a language I understand about 4%. It’s acknowledging that little things like bathing, going on a walk, saying hello to my neighbors, letting myself relax, are big accomplishments. It’s realizing that keeping myself busy and doing lots of little things so I distract myself and feel productive is not the same as taking care of myself. It’s realizing that I do not always have to be productive.

So back to how things move slow. Development, improvement, will move very slow. My project at my school will move very slow. And that is ok. There is no one saying I need to be accomplishing or implementing huge projects right now. And even if I was, I can almost count on the project failing. I know that right now, the important thing is to build the relationship with my school. To explain to the teachers why I am here. To advocate for a time to meet with the staff during lunch. To explain to the staff that I will have them over for tea once I have a table and chairs and not just a mattress. And it is ok. I am still a successful volunteer! Things will happen. They might be so little, but they will still be important and they will still happen. And this literacy stuff? Might actually help. Hopefully the students will improve, just a little, or at least just begin to have fun at school. Hopefully the teachers can learn new ways to teach that is actually easier and more affective. Hopefully all of that can continue after I leave.

So for now, I am slowing down. And I like it. I am amazed every day at how much I’m learning and adjusting in just this short time. I am making sure to take an hour or two every day to unwind that way I don’t overload the next day. I’m not distracting myself from the discomfort but instead sitting in it. Really feeling it. Letting it teach me what it means to be displaced. Then growing through that displacement, finding my place, finding my home, what an invaluable lesson and experience.

So to summarize the whirlwind of endless thoughts of this past week, I finally let go of the paralyzing fear that I’m going to be a bad volunteer. I also accepted the fact that things move really really really slow and that being productive is going to look very different in this country. I knew that I got overwhelmed easily but I’ve learned that I have to manage it much differently in this country. In the states, I would keep myself busy and do lots of productive things to distract myself. When I did that here, I ended up more overwhelmed because I didn’t give myself time to relax. Alaina told me the things I needed to hear- you don’t always have to be productive. I’m realizing that being productive at my school is not an option yet. So it is all coming together- things move slow so I have lots of time to relax and this wonderful chance for self-discovery. And while I still feel a little guilty about that, I’m managing that too. I’m letting the guilt remind me that I care and that since I care, I will be an amazing volunteer. I’m also reminding myself that more I learn and grow, the more effective I can be. I can find the way to best help my school and myself. And even if it is very little, any little help, any relationship built, are huge successes. 

Swearing in and moving to site!

Swearing in was a wonderful celebration and as overwhelming and exciting as I could have imagined. It was at the ambassador’s house which was very fancy and filled with amazing art. The ambassador, our country director, a representative from the Ugandan Ministry of Education, and then 3 of our cohort members all gave very wonderful speeches. Obviously tears were shed. This moment has been a long time coming and it was really powerful to realize it was finally happening. I know the next two years will be harder and more wonderful than I could ever imagine so for now I am just so thankful for all of the incredible people I’ve met, friends I’ve made, and opportunity I’ve been given. I am even more thankful for my friends and for my amazing family at home who have all been so encouraging and supportive. I know I did not get here on my own and I will never be able to adequately describe my gratitude with words.

So now I’m at my site! I have been here for exactly one week and it has been a ride. We left the day after swearing in so that was really overwhelming and emotional and then taking public transport with all of my luggage was a hilarious joke but I made it one piece! The taxi dropped me off in the big city close to my site called Masaka. In Masaka I met up with my supervisor and with a man named Dennis who has a car and who many Peace Corps Volunteers in the area use as a private hire. Dennis was wonderful and drove me around Masaka to buy my mattress and stove and other essentials. Then we drove the 40 minutes to Kabukunge.

The front of my house. Inside pictures to come

When I arrived at my site, my school provided me with a very nice bed so I spent Friday just settling in. Across the next couple of days I kept myself way too busy running back and forth to Masaka and then also to the closest town named Kalungu, which is about a 30 minute walk or 10 minute taxi ride. I know that nesting is important for my mental health while I am here but it is very difficult to nest when there isn’t a Walmart or Ikea down the road. So that was adjustment number one. So at the moment I have my bed and the school has given me some extra desks to put my stove on. I bought some plastic shelves and I am waiting for a carpenter to build some wood shelves for me.  I bought some fabric in Masaka and crafted my own curtains so I am getting settled in slowly but surely. I want to paint my house but paint is expensive and I know it will not be as easy a process as painting in America so I am taking a deep breath and just trying to slow down. I am telling myself that it’s okay that my house is not perfect, it is still home and I can still be happy.

So after my first few crazy days then I gave myself some time to slow down. The boyfriend of my site mate, Cody, showed me an awesome running path around the village that is about 2.5 miles so I’ve been doing that every day. It is a wonderful path that is very rural and safe and I’ve been introducing and saying hi to all of the people I pass. This place really is so beautiful and I promise to post all kinds of pictures once I feel comfortable bringing a camera with me.

My neighbor, Juliet, who is the wife of Okello, has been incredible and making me food and watching movies with me and helping me wash my house and my clothes. So while this place is wonderful and beautiful I am still hitting what I’ll call my second hard spot. My homesickness around the holidays was brief because once language training started again I could focus on other things. Being at site, things finally feel very real. The gravity of the fact that I moved across the world to Uganda has finally hit and I miss my family and my friends from America and peace corps so much. I’m very thankful Peace Corps held our hands across the past two months but now I know it is time to get out of the nest and they did it with a swift push. I went from seeing my cohort members everyday for 2 months to being on my own (my site mate has been away for training so I also know things will be different when she returns).

Juliet with her children Osped and Priscilla

it was Priscillas second birthday a few days ago so i made a no bake cake!

 I have always had a hard time transitioning places and I was terribly homesick my whole first year of college. My pattern usually goes that I wake up panicky but once I get up, get moving, and start doing things I shake off the panic and calm down. That has been the case this past week as I run errands and clean and then I walk up the hill to a primo sunset watching spot and remind myself that it is really awesome that I am here and that these next two years will be hard but they will be incredible and at the end I will love every minute, difficult and enjoyable, of this experience. My yoga instructor life inspiration Jessica Nason told me to “not waste an ounce” of this experience and I’m realizing that this hard transition is part of this experience.

So school starts on Monday and I am apprehensive about that as well. More than anything I am worried about if I will like my job or not. I worry that I will not really find my place at the school and worry that I won’t be successful. Then I read a quote yesterday that said, “Worrying is your brain imagining bad things. Make your brain imagine good things.” So yes, this quote is a little obvious but it definitely resonated with me. I’ve always been a worrier and even across these past two months, in one moment I will be thinking of what bad things can happen and then the next I’m beyond excited for all of the incredible things that are going to happen across the next two years. So in reality, I am just sitting in anticipation, which is excruciating. I know things will fall into place and I will find a routine and find my place and that I will find fulfillment but for now I am just waiting and so of course my brain is going to kick up into overdrive. So I’ve been trying to remind myself of that and enjoy the things in front of me like my runs, and the sunset, and finally having time to watch Gilmore Girls again after 2 months without.

So other interesting adjustments- creating understanding with the Ugandans I will be living with for the next two years. I live in the same row as the other primary school teachers. All of the ones that I have met grew up in a village which means poverty and limited education. Since Alaina, my site mate, has been here for a year, most of the teachers have a basic understanding of why I’m here and what I will do but I have still been asked many times “Why did you leave America when life there is so easy and wonderful?” That is a great question especially since I am struggling with the answer at the moment. So I tell them that I am very thankful for my life in America but I wanted to live in Uganda to help where I can and to learn about other people. The answer becomes that much more difficult because I do not want them to get the impression that I will be coming in to save, fix, and change everything. They have also seen all of the things I have bought for my house so I also do not want them to think that I have or will be giving money. So I have been saying that Peace Corps wants me to come in and help to teach and show ways that the school can improve and that hopefully one day the school improves so much that they no longer need peace corps volunteers to help. I know this understanding will grow but for now it is a little uncomfortable

So to summarize, training was wonderful and like summer camp but I knew this transition was coming. But I operate off the moto (also from the fabulous Jess Nason) that “this is hard, this is me growing.” I know my discomfort at the moment is coming from the challenges that are pushing me. I also know that I am capable and competent and I will grow. I know the hard times are inevitable and all I have to do every day is show up to world and say “here I am. Here is the best I can give today.” And so some days I might be sad or frustrated and but that many other days, like so many I’ve already had, I will be motivated and excited. Sometimes, like right now, two years feels like forever, but others I know the two years will feel like a blink of an eye. I know this place will become home. It is daunting but I know this is where I’m supposed to be.

Erinnya lyange nze Nampima. (My name is Nampima)

Ok I wrote this post 20 days ago but better late than never right??

Woa! Has it really almost been a month?!? What the heck?! Ok, I told myself I wouldn’t do the lengthy blog post but since it’s been so long, I will break my rule just this once! The next two weeks are going to be crazy but then I will be at my site and have more time to post more regularly (I hope!) So I’m sorry for the novel but I hope it’s enjoyable and not annoying or rambling!

So, catch up! Future site visit then Homestay! My future site visit went really well! I met my supervisor and some of my fellow teachers and got to stay at my house and have a tour of the school. I did not take many pictures for a couple of reasons. 1.) I will have two years there and will document the heck out of it once I get two minutes to breathe and 2.) my house looks a little like a prison at the moment. It is a very nice house with a big living room, a bedroom, and a room for cooking and bathing. But my walls are bare and a little dirty and I have no furniture so after I get a chance to nest and decorate I will take lots of pictures! I have electricity but no running water which is ok! I’m ready to really live in the village. So no running water means I walk behind my house to my pit latrine (outhouse with a hole in the ground) and I will walk about 5 minutes down the road to fetch my water. I will keep it in big cans at my house and use it to bucket bathe. Peace Corps gave us an amazing water filter so I don’t need to boil my drinking water. I will be buying a two-burner gas stove and a gas tank to cook with.

So my future site visit was a bit of a blur but I am very excited to work with my teachers and to work with my site mate Alaina. Alaina is a peace corps volunteer who has been in country for 1 year and works at the primary teacher college(PTC) that works with my primary school. She lives across the street from me and it was really wonderful to have her. She cooked me dinner and generally held my hand as I got to see everything for the first time. I am feeling self-conscious about how much I’m going to need her to hold my hand as I get adjusted to site but I know that it will come full circle when I am holding the hand of the newbie who replaces her this time next year. I am so excited to work with her and we had a few brief conversations about all of the projects we want to work on. My neighbors are my fellow primary school teachers. My counterpart is my one neighbor and she insists I call her Mama Rehema. My other neighbor is an amazing man named Okello. He is a teacher and has two very adorable young children. Okello’s wife was sick with malaria while I was visiting but that did not stop him from walking me all around the site and the village and showing me everything. He was so kind and I am feeling so thankful to have the opportunity to get to know him and work with him across the next two years.

So I didn’t really have much time to process that experience because before I knew it I was traveling 6 hours to my home stay. I had my first experience taking public transportation all by myself with all of my stuff! It wasn’t too bad but I did have to deal with the infuriating experience of sitting in a taxi for 1 hour and 45 minutes as we waited for the taxi to fill up. The taxis are called Mutatus and they are big 14 passenger vans so the drivers wont leave with empty taxis because that is money they are loosing. So I thought I gave myself plenty of time but waiting for the taxi meant I was late arriving to Mityana. Ugandans really run on no schedule and it is completely typical for events to start 2-3 hours late. I am not the most punctual person so this culture sounds like my best friend but in this moment I didn’t want to be late meeting my homestay family so I tried to tell myself that it was ok but I was still stressing out. I tried to bribe the taxi driver to leave with the taxi empty but he wanted twice as much money as I was willing to give so I had to be the stereotypical white-american, who Ugandans call Muzungu (more thoughts about the word muzungu to come in another post) and be impatient and stressed. But I still arrived in one piece and only an hour late.

It was so exciting to see my fellow trainees after being separated for a few days. Then I got to meet my family and I apologized to my host dad for being late and he said, “It’s okay! You’re in Uganda now!” and I knew I was at home. My host family is really the most wonderful. My host dad is a doctor and my host mom used to be a teacher. I have 8 host siblings who are all over the age of 16. My two oldest host siblings live on their own. My oldest host sister, Doreen, took great care of me the first two weeks and prepared breakfast for me and helped me wash my clothes. Then my second oldest host sister, Caro, lives in Denmark with her husband and baby. She moved to Denmark about 3 years ago and then she came to visit with her husband and baby for Christmas! It was wonderful to meet them. Her husband was very interesting to talk to and I hope to visit them in Denmark one day! My other host siblings are all still attending university for a variety of things from business to marketing to law to health and my youngest host brother is studying at the seminary. So needless to say, every member of my host family is so fascinating and they all speak wonderful English so I have not really been practicing my Luganda with them because I just want to hear everything they have to say. I know the point of living with a family is to practice the language but I spend 8-5 every day practicing language so I tell myself it’s okay to take a break when I get home. My host mom, who we call Madame, is a phenomenal cook so I have been eating like a queen. I am also getting spoiled because, unlike my future site, my homestay house has electricity, tv, a western toilet (not a pit latrine), and a shower with warm water. I am savoring every moment. I am so thankful I am building such a wonderful relationship with my family because I know I can come back to visit whenever and enjoy a taste of fancy living.

So like I said and I will say it again, my family is so wonderful! My host parents are very open and share their thoughts about many topics. About 30 years ago, my host parents opened a primary school that was very successful for a couple of decades. My host mom taught and even got a group of students to the national dance competition where the won 4^th place! But then in a very short time span, my host mom lost her mom to cancer and then lost many of her siblings to HIV. My host mom got terribly depressed and they had to end up selling the school. I am just so amazed by her that she first opened and ran a school but then has the courage to talk about such devastating loss. My host parents are knowledgeable about HIV but we still haven’t talked much about what to do to continue bringing down the HIV rate. Many Ugandans seem to have this attitude of “It is horrible this is happening, but there isn’t much we can do about it.” My host parents push to get HIV treatment to who ever needs it but I haven’t heard them talk much about condom use. Uganda has had a huge influx of Christian missionaries and I know these missionaries are preaching abstinence. I asked my host brother what his biggest complaints about Uganda were and he said education and corruption. I asked about HIV and he said, “HIV isn’t a complaint because it’s just a way of life. It’s everywhere.” I told him about America’s HIV epidemic and how it was handled but then my brother brought up the very valid point that since education is so poor in Uganda and so many people still live in rural villages it will be very difficult.

This led me to the one of my most prominent contemplations and concerns about the next two years. I know that I could get to the end of my two years, have given everything I have, and everything could be exactly the same. I know I cannot change this whole country no matter how badly I want to. If I let myself become overwhelmed with frustration, then I will fail and fall apart. So where is the balance between acceptance and apathy? I do not want to get to the end of my service and be hardened and jaded and have the attitude of “well that is what is, nothing I can do.” I want to find the sweet spot of acknowledging what is out of my control while still pouring myself fully into the relationships I am building. I think the best advice I have heard from volunteers is that this experience is not about changing the world. It is about building relationships and inspiring and encouraging the children you are working with.

The holidays were bumpy to get through emotionally. When Christmas rolled around it was the first time I really wanted to be in America instead of Uganda. It was the first time I had the mental space so I had the thoughts of “Why on earth did I come here? I know I wanted to push myself and to grow and learn and to help, but I could have done all of those things in America. I didn’t have to come to Uganda. I could have moved across the country and then be home for the holidays. It would be so much easier.” Ding! Ding! Ding! It would have been easier. And I didn’t come here because it was going to be easy. I wanted a challenge. There is no way I can anticipate how far out of my comfort zone I’m going to be pushed but the further out of my comfort zone, the more I am growing so bring it on. I guess making it 6 weeks without an existential crisis is something to be proud of but I feel like the flood gates have been opened and I know so many bigger challenges are coming my way and I’m ready!

But as far as the holidays go, I was really missing my family, cold weather, and Christmas cookies. So I skyped with home and that was really nice and then obviously my Ugandan family made me feel most welcome. Ugandan Christmas is filled with food and drinking and dancing so it was a very fun day.  On Christmas day, my host brothers disappeared for twenty minutes then returned with a pine tree that they put into a bucket of water. That’s one way to cut your own Christmas tree! My host sister who was visiting from Denmark brought candy canes so we decorated the tree with those. Then on New Years Eve, we drank and danced and then at midnight everyone brings out their Christmas trees and burns them. On Christmas my host dad gave me my Ugandan name, Nampima. It means “very pretty girl” and it was the name of my host dad’s favorite aunt so I feel very honored. Ugandans still hold onto an identity of a clan so I am part of the empewo, or antelope clan. There are 52 clans in the central region of Uganda and so you cannot marry anyone in your mother or father’s clan and then you pass your clan to your child. Most of the clans are animals so I can no longer eat antelope. Drat. It has been great to tell Ugandans that my name is Nampima. Even in random markets or stores I get treated with just a touch more respect.

I exchanged some American culture this weekend with my family! My host mom taught my fellow language group members and me how to make chipatis (delicious flour tortillas from heaven) and so we made tacos and fajitas! Then on Sunday I made my family French toast and we had a Sunday brunch. Both were big successes! Then I received a package with legos in it from the one and only Papa Holland so I showed them to my host niece and nephews who are 11, 9, and 4 years old. My host mom was sitting on the couch, policing the play at first and then within 5 minutes was on the floor playing with us. My host niece and nephews have also enjoyed bananagrams and go fish and I’ve really enjoyed spending time with them. I have been exercising to the T25 videos in the morning and one morning last week I was leaving to go to school and my youngest host nephew who is 4 looked at me and said, “Whats wrong with your face? Why is it so red?” And I replied, “Because I was exercising and my muzungu face gets red!” So on Sunday, my host nephew exercised with me while my host siblings and my host aunt laughed away. It was too much fun.

my nephews playing legos!

My host mom and host nephew making chipatis with Annie

My host nephew, Darren, with the new puppies

My host mom and nephew playing leggos

My host mom, Regina. Such an amazing woman

my host dad

the yard at my host house

The front of my homestay house

my amazing host parents at our goodbye ceremony

my host nephews- i'm going to miss them!

The most amazing language group with our amazing language trainers

So the holidays really made things crazy but now things have calmed down and we have been cramming the language. Learning has been going really well. I am picking it up but also having to accept that there is only so much we can learn in a month. I plan to really commit to learning the language at my site and I even used some in the market in Mityana the other day and could actually bargain with the vendors and not get totally outrageous Muzungu prices! So this week we finish language training then next weekend we move back to Kampala, have a few more days of sessions to get ready to move to site and then we swear in as actual volunteers! Our swearing in ceremony is at the ambassadors house so it should be very fancy!!