OK that is just a cute title to describe a phenomena that I
am fascinated by! In America, I only ever saw ants attack human food. In
Uganda, if I squish a bug and leave it on the floor, minutes later a swarm of
ants is surrounding it and moving it! I had no idea ants were carnivorous!
So now to try to relate this to my life at the moment, I am
feeling squirmy. While I have had many many many emotions the past two weeks I
think I am still going to classify it as a honeymoon period. Everything was new
and exciting. Going on runs and saying hi to people made me smile and I was
still excited by how excited everyone was to see me. This week, not so much. I
am having the “zoo animal” phenomena. I go to school and when I’m not observing
classes or assessing children I sit in a classroom and read. The children have
started sneaking out of class and poking their heads in the window saying my
Uganda name over and over again. Sounds adorable, right? But not when they
won’t go away and not when they are grabbing my hair through the window. Then I
go home, and they poke their heads through the windows at my house. Then I go
on a run and they follow me. I know, none of this is meant to be offensive or
with bad intentions. I know they are just curious and very excited that I am
here. I also can only barely imagine or empathize as to how strange I must seem
to them. I was raised with the privileges of great schools with lots of
textbooks teaching me about the different people of the world. I have parents
who were very intentional about respecting people for their differences. These
children are growing up in a much different environment. It astounds me that
things can be so different on the same planet, but I guess that is the beauty
right? At the moment, I can just barely wrap my head around it.
So back to the squirmy worms. On Tuesday, I was not nearly
as calm about the attention and just wanted to hide under a rock, and that’s
what I did. Came home and hid at my sight mates house and watched a movie. I’m
not saying that was the right thing to do, but I did it. As I said, I feel yet
another honeymoon is over and now I’m wanting to squirm and wiggle away from
the discomfort. There are plenty of ways I could distract myself during my time
here. I could spend all my time watching movies and TV shows. I could find
someone and decide I am going to live my service for them, that my job is to
help them. I could focus on things I know I will be successful at instead of
trying things where I might fail. But I don’t want to do that. I want to live
this service to the greatest extent. So it will be stinking uncomfortable but
here we go.
I guess another thing I have to own up to is that even if I
do distract myself as much as possible, there is still one thing I will not be
able to ignore. Every minute, of every day, I am the outsider here. This is the
first time in my life that I’ve been the outsider. This is the first time that
I am the other. That what I consider normal behavior is seen as strange. And
even if I change everything about the way I live my life and live it exactly as
my Ugandan neighbors do, there will still be one big thing that makes me
different and will always make me different. That thing is also the reason why
I lived such a privileged life. My parents worked hard to give me this life,
but our skin color is still a huge part of that equation. So how do I cope with
that? I know I am having an invaluable experience learning what it feels like
to be an outsider, but how do I use this discomfort to learn? To teach? To grow?
I feel this will be two years of exploration about skin color. More thoughts to
come.
So what does this mean for my service? I want to fit in, to
belong, to find my place. Someone once told me that peace corps is about being
displaced. Then someone else mentioned on facebook the other day that when you
are displaced, you get the chance to not only find “a” path, but to find “your”
path. I have spent my life letting the other people in my life help me define
my path. I have loved living my life for other people. Now I am here and I am
waiting for other people to help me define my path. If I keep up this waiting,
I could be waiting for the entire two years of my service. It is time. I have
to stop squirming away from the fear of failing and jump in. I feel I have been
sitting in the shallow end of the pool waiting to adjust to the water
temperature and now, even though it is nice and comfortable to sit in the
shallow end, it’s time to swim to the deep end. I’m afraid that there are
crocodiles in the deep end waiting to snap my toes and bring me down. I know
that there will be nets and those annoying buoy rope things that will get in my
way. But I have to risk the crocodiles and find a way to work through, around,
and over top of the obstacles.
No comments:
Post a Comment